


On My Enemies I Wouldn't Wish Who I Was

by brightpinkstars



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Internalized Homophobia, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Love, lena luthor hates herself but loves kara danvers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 21:21:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9845327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightpinkstars/pseuds/brightpinkstars
Summary: "It made sense. Lena wasn’t a Luthor. Lillian certainly never made sure she forgot it. She was only expected to be a Luthor when it was to fit into the perfect family archetype Lillian forced her and Lex to fill.Besides, she wasn’t gay."Lena's spent the last 10 years ignoring her feelings, and like everything else, she was good at it. But the closer she gets to Kara the harder it is to ignore what's going on inside her.





	

It first started when she was fifteen years old. It was her sophomore year at St Cuthbert’s, and Veronica Sinclair had convinced her to come to the party that some girls in their english class were throwing. ‘Party’ was a bit of a stretch. They had managed to get hold of the communion wine and had on the new backstreet boys album in the background. Lena hovered in the background as they others talked about the boys they knew from back home- of course none were allowed anywhere near the school.

Lena couldn’t remember the exact details but somehow the night had turned ended with them playing spin the bottle, a fit of drunken giggles erupting around the room every time the now-empty bottle pointed towards a new person. Lena was lucky; she thought she had managed to escape it as she watched wide eyed as various girls swapped spit in front of her. It was kind of fascinating…. She wanted to look away. She knew it was wrong, but she couldn’t keep herself from watching avidly.

Before she knew it the bottle had slowed to a stop in front of her and Veronica was crawling across the circle towards her, shirt open to show her breasts and a smirk adorning her cat-like face. Lena’s heart rate skyrocketed as Veronica cupped her chin and pressed their lips together. She gasped in surprise at how nice it felt, and the other girl’s tongue slipped into her mouth. Honestly, this wasn’t too bad, Lena thought as Sister Beatrice walked into the room.

The told her mother.  
Of course they did.  
Lillian removed her from St. Cuthbert’s immediately. Moved her to a mixed preparatory school close enough for her to come home at the weekends. It seemed there was one thing that Lillian Luthor hated as much as she hated aliens—and that was girls who kissed other girls. Even though Lena had yelled and screamed that it hadn’t meant anything—they were just bored, it was a party, they were drunk, Lillian hadn’t listened. She had made it very clear. There were certain things a Luthor didn’t do. And that was one of them.  
It made sense. Lena wasn’t a Luthor. Lillian certainly never made sure she forgot it. She was only expected to be a Luthor when it was to fit into the perfect family archetype Lillian forced her and Lex to fill.  
Besides, she wasn’t gay.  
She didn’t think of that kiss with Veronica Sinclair very often.  
Just a couple of times a day.  
It was no big deal.

She thought that once she got to college it would be easier. She would have more freedom, and Lillian wouldn’t have such a hold over her. She thought that she could finally be her own person. 

There was a cute girl in her freshman Chemistry class; her name was Anais, and she was an exchange student from France. Lena never spoke to her. It wasn’t like she didn’t have the opportunity to, but her breath caught in her throat every time Anais walked past, her perfume overpowering Lena’s senses. She was distracting Lena from reaching her full potential, the voice in her head that sounded eerily like Lillian’s told her.  
Lena moved seats and threw herself into her studies.  
The next time she saw Anais was at graduation.  
She grinned and congratulated Lena on being Valedictorian.  
Lena cried herself to sleep that night.  
____________________________________________________________________________  
Five years and three of Lex’s murderous rampages later, Lena was pretty sure she had a handle on things. She was the CEO of Luthor Corp now, and she knew how much that irked Lillian. Of course, her mother never aired her grievances with Lena: that would involve actually talking to her daughter.  
She had felt slightly overwhelmed originally, having to clear up her brother’s mess while still protecting what was left of the Luthor legacy. Rebranding the company was her latest project—it took up all of her time and didn’t allow for any hobbies or extracurriculars. It was exactly what Lena needed to keep her focused on what was important here—the company and her family.  
When Clark Kent walked into her office it took all of her restraint to not throw him out of her office. He was Lex’s friend and he let that happen to her brother. If anyone could have stopped Lex it was Clark. She was going to refuse to give him an interview, she had a busy day, but of course somebody was trying to drag her company through the mud.  
She was lucky Superman and Supergirl had saved the Venture from crashing or the reporters in her office would have been police officers, ready to throw her off to jail with her brother.  
Even though it was Clark who was conducting the interview, Lena could feel her eyes often drifting over the the girl who was accompanying him—she even teased her a few times about the quality of her publication’s content, smiling to herself as the girl—she had identified herself as Kara Danvers- stumbled over her words to explain herself.  
Of course Clark took no time in claiming that because her name was Luthor she must be behind the crash of the space ship. She ignored him, giving most of her answers to Kara, thoroughly enraptured by the blonde’s bright blue eyes and calming presence.  
As Kara leaves her office, she brushes it off and pulls out the plans for the grand renaming ceremony.  
The next day, Supergirl saves her.  
Supergirl with her skin of steel and her heart of gold saved Lena Luthor.  
It was nice to know that Lex and Superman’s hatred of each other didn’t extend to blood lines.  
It was nice to know that not everybody wanted her dead because of the surname she wasn’t even born into.  
______________________________________________________________________________

She saw both Kara Danvers and Supergirl a lot more after that. Kara came round a few times for a story, but it felt more like a chat than an interview. But Lena couldn’t ignore how her heart increased its palpitations whenever Kara looked her in the eyes, or filled the room with her infectious laughter.  
So Lena decided to throw a fundraiser for the recently destroyed Children’s hospital. She needed a new project now that L-Corp had been officially rebranded.  
She invited Supergirl—for protection of course, and because it would be rude not too after the times she saved Lena’s life.  
She invited Kara because Kara was her friend—that’s what this feeling was, just friendship. She had never had a proper friend before, Lex was the closest she had gotten to that, and he had turned away from her. She just hoped that Kara didn’t think it was strange that she didn’t have any other friends.

Kara brought a boy to her gala.  
She knew he was coming, even said he could come. She didn’t realise it would be a date. She didn’t realise she would have to watch Kara dance with him.

She was glad she had invited Supergirl, who was there immediately when the drama kicked off. And she had prepared herself, with a device under the table to help disarm the assailants. Anything so she didn’t focus on Kara dancing and laughing with that boy from CatCo.

She cries in bed a lot more than she would admit.

Because at two am when she’s so tired she can’t keep her head up to do any more work, that’s when the feelings overwhelm her and her emotions come pouring out. It was mostly hatred. Hatred for Lex for leaving her, hatred for Lillian for making her like this, but mostly hatred for herself. Hatred for the fact that she can’t seem to make a genuine connection with another person. Hatred for the way she’s not good enough and never will be. Hatred for the fact that when she closes her eyes, all she sees are Supergirl’s arms holding her and Kara Danvers’ smile getting nearer and nearer her lips, transporting her back to Veronica Sinclair at St Cuthbert’s. She hated what she was and what she had become.

The CFO from the old days had always tried to set her up with his son. He was nice, an Oxford Educated Lawyer with good hair, a symmetrical face and expensive taste in wine. They went on a date to National City’s finest restaurant, and he said things that made her laugh. She felt herself relax, this is what it should be like. She didn’t feel nervous, her heart wasn’t racing. It felt normal. She convinced herself not to think of Kara as they went back up to her apartment, and to not think of Supergirl as he stripped her and lay her on the bed. To not imagine anybody softer on top of her, with longer hair and more curves.  
She sent him out as soon as they were done and cried more than she usually did.

She decides distance is the best way to deal with this issue. She doesn’t reply to Kara’s messages and she doesn’t ask for Supergirl’s help. It’s not like Supergirl cared about her, she didn’t even get a thank you for preventing Myriad and sending her own mother to jail. She hated herself for that too.

Kara was more insistent though. When she stopped replying to her messages, she began showing up at L-Corp at the end of the day to spend some time with Lena. And when Lena was with Kara, she didn’t hate herself so much. Kara made her feel light and happy and bubbly inside, like she wasn’t a horrible person for feeling what she felt inside. Kara was there for her on her worst days, at her Mother’s trial, and when she was arrested. Kara fought for her, Kara believed in her.  
And Lena was in love with Kara. There was no other explanation for this happiness she felt when she was with Kara. She didn’t hate herself for feeling happy for the first time in her life.

Kara was certainly not gay though. She talked about her boy troubles with Lena, like best friends would. This guy Mike seemed to be treating her badly, but Kara had always made it very clear that she didn’t like him. He seemed like a guy that doesn’t know how to take no for an answer. Kara talked about her ex a lot. She said he wasn’t a real ex. Just a guy she had a thing with but was too overwhelmed by everything when they got together for it to really work. Kara liked him, Lena could tell. 

She talked about him the way that Lena thought about Kara.

“You’re such a good friend, Lena!” Kara grinned as she stood up “it’s so nice to be able to talk about this stuff with someone other than Alex.” She wrapped her arms around Lena and squeezed. Lena’s eyes shut and she breathed in Kara’s scent and momentarily forgot the world around her. Too soon it was over and Kara was pulling away with her grin that could light the world.  
“I gotta go, my boss is up in my grill to get another story” She rolled her eyes jokingly “You wouldn’t know what that’s like, would you Miss CEO?” Kara chuckled and grabbed her bag.  
And then like it was nothing, she pressed a quick, chaste kiss to Lena’s cheek “See you later Lena!”  
She didn’t have to wait to get into bed to cry.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry  
> hmu @ karadancers.tumblr.com


End file.
